The thing about chronic pain is that when it goes away, everything feels so much lighter.
When I am in pain, it feels like weights have been attached to my body. It is just so hard to move. Today is my first (relatively) pain free day in a month and I feel like I have suddenly been set free. I can do and be again. At least as much as my current malnourished state allows.
How do I know that it has been a month? Funny story, that*.
You know how generic drugs are supposed to be bio-identical and work as well as each other and the name brand? Well, that’s not quite the case. In fact, it has been fairly well documented that some generics are just different, despite looking bio-identical to the generics that work. But it hasn’t gotten much press. I have seen maybe two articles ever. And one goes back so far that I read it while we were still living in Portland.
A bit more than a month ago, the pharmacy sourced the duloxetine I take to convince my confused brain that gut motility does not equal pain, from a different manufacturer.
Maybe it was a bit cheaper, maybe it was just what was available, who knows. but it happens all of the time at most pharmacies. No ill intent. Just how the generic wholesale pharmaceutical market works (as I understand it from those two articles I mentioned. I am in no way an expert on such things).
Anyway, over this past month, I have certainly noticed that the pain that the duloxetine had been managing was back. So much so that I am in conversations with my doctors about weaning me off the duloxetine and trying a new antidepressant. It has been a very bad month, pain-wise.
A couple of days ago, I refilled my duloxetine prescription and I immediately noticed that it was from a previous manufacturer. A previous manufacturer whose product had worked for me. So I was optimistic when I took the first dose of the refill last night. And today I feel amazing!
I am completely overdoing it today, and I know it. But I couldn’t help myself. It has just been so long since I felt this pain-free. I know that I will pay for it tomorrow, but I have no regrets. I am thinking about it as the very occasional decision one makes in middle age to screw your bedtime and hang out with your friends until late. You know you will be paying for it for the next few days, but are enjoying yourself too much to care about future you. And even future you agrees that it was well worth the cost**.
I have to give full credit to my friend Jemiah for aiding in the solving of this mystery. She recently went through the exact same issue and it definitely helped the penny drop.
*We have been rewatching Lucifer and I seem to have picked up some of his verbal quirks.
**Clearly, I am getting excited at the prospect of getting to hang out with friends again once we move!