Not going to sugarcoat it. It has been a tough couple of weeks. Between battling SIBO, titrating the notriptyline and swapping at side effects like so many swarming insects, I am feeling very beaten down.
The Xifaxan I am taking for the SIBO clogs my vent tube when my stomach forces out whatever detritus is left after the hour that I close off after taking my meds. It lets the pressure inside my guts build, leaving me nauseated and miserable. All it takes is a simple flush to fix, but it is just an extra hassle that I don’t need.
The nortiptyline titration has been difficult as I try to manage the constipation it caused. Everything coming through my digestive system is delayed, so it can take days to try to re-regulate my system. I finally got that worked out and I started feeling an uncomfortable buzzing feeling in my lower abdomen. I finally figured out that the way that I was feeling gut motility was changing. So the good news is that the nortriptyline seems to be working, but I still have some adjusting to do.
The pain has been bad enough lately that I am barely managing it, even as I throw absolutely every tool in my toolbox at it. I believe that I have come through the worst of it (see the whole adjustment and SIBO issue above), for now. And that “for now” is really beginning to get to me. Every new symptom, every bad day, I find myself wondering whether this just a temporary thing, or is this my new normal?
All this is leading to a whole bunch of anxiety around pain. Which believe me, does nothing to improve the situation. I have gone back to my pain therapist (in addition to my usual therapist) to see if we can work on this new anxiety. Breathing techniques do not work for me because breathing, particularly deep abdominal breathing, causes pain. Which, as you might imagine, is counterproductive. So far, I have been mostly managing my anxiety by spinning. And I have been doing a lot of spinning.
But, I can’t spin all of the time. There were a few days in the past couple of weeks where I was just not up to spinning. And, although I have done it, getting up in the middle of the night to spin isn’t ideal. So, clearly I need to add some more easily accessible tools to my toolbox to manage my anxiety about pain.
In the midst of all of this chaos, two friends came down from Portland and we got to hang out with them in a beautiful park, with a stream (complete with picturesque deer) and lots of shade.
The visit definitely cost me, but I have absolutely no regrets. Seeing good friends means so much to me when such joy is so hard to come by these days.
I can not underscore enough how much peace spinning brings me. I can sit at my wheel for hours (with lots of stretch and comfort breaks) and just forget about everything. I only come to when the pain or the nausea gets bad enough to break through my creative flow. Otherwise, it is just me and my fiber.
I do get frustrated that I can only ply on good days because that takes more energy than spinning. I really want to finish off my yarns, and more than that, I want to use them in projects. I have yarns designated for specific weaving and knitting projects, even as they still sit on their bobbins. I wish I was a process spinner like I am a process knitter, but I am not. I dream of ways to use my yarns as I spin them.
The good news is that bobbins are cheap and I have enough variety by color and fiber type to keep me spinning for a nice long time.