Prioritizing my health does not come naturally to me. Because of this, I have battled auto-immune issues, Epstein-Barr (3 times!) and more adrenal burnouts than I can remember. I truly believe that my lifelong refusal to listen to my body’s pleas for help contributed to my gastroparesis.

Eventually, my body made its needs simply impossible to ignore. Something I am acutely aware of as I struggle with a bad day like today, likely exacerbated by an emotionally difficult week combined with a visit to a doctor (not a GI!).

I have always done my best to live a life true to the values that drive me: a commitment to service in pursuit of equity and justice. And those values have served me well intellectually and emotionally. But often at the cost of my physical health. Usually because I had agreed to serve on one more board than I should have. I take full responsibility for having overburdened myself. No one forced me to volunteer my time. But I usually enjoyed the work and found it fulfilling.

Now I find myself at an unexpected crossroads where my body’s needs and my values intersect. I truly hope that I have made it abundantly clear that I don’t believe healthcare should be behind a paywall. Everyone, regardless of anything, deserve access to high quality healthcare. Full stop.

I hope I have made it equally clear that our medical “system” is beyond broken. Between insurers solely in pursuit of the bottom line, burnt out and often underpaid medical staff who are working in severely understaffed conditions and an education system that makes medicine a career out of reach for too many, leaving those who graduate with debt that forces them out of desperately needed primary care careers.

All this is a convoluted way of saying that I managed to find a resource that will take the burden off me navigating this system, helping me find the providers I need and take over all of the insurance hassles. That will free up my time and energy to my healing and recovery and live the best life that my gastroparesis allows me.

The issue is that this resource is far out of reach of most because of its cost. But I am beyond blessed and privileged enough to be able to access it. And that makes me very uncomfortable to sit with.

At the same time, I can viscerally feel how the anxiety and stress that came with a simple doctor’s appointment for my poor, aching shoulder to remind me just how much my health is dependent on keeping my life as simple as possible. And that simplicity is the difference between enjoying all of the blessings that my life still has to offer and the misery and struggle of the last 2 years.

My needs in no way justify the sheer inequity of my privilege. But just as not finishing the food on your plate doesn’t do anything for the hunger and food insecurity in the world, me not accepting this expensive resource does nothing to help make quality healthcare more equitable for anyone. I also (sort of, maybe, not really) know that I am doing what I am capable of right now to bring positive change into a very broken world. I also accept that my discomfort is appropriate and to some degree, warranted. My challenge going forward is not letting that discomfort slip into the guilt that will cost me energy. Instead, I need to use the energy this much needed support will provide me to live as full a life as I can and continue to do what I can to live my values. But it will take some serious reprogramming, on my part.